When Conversations Become Arguments

Have you ever been having a conversation that turned into an argument without warning? Have you ever felt like you were walking on egg-shells around someone in your house who seemed like a time-bomb ready to go off at any minute? Odds are, particularly if you are a member of a blended family, that you have experienced all of these situations, many times over.

There are many underlying emotions of hurt, disappointment, anger, and sadness - waiting for a moment of security where they can be safely expressed. The greater amount of security and love you offer, the more likely you will meet up with what I call the discharge of your loved-one's emotions.

Here are a couple tricks to not being caught so off-guard. People actually let you know in a number of ways that they are seething below the surface � a few are noticeable, some not even visible to the person whose buttons have been pushed.

Noticeable indications are the type of body language they use: folded arms, scowling brow, frown, and slouching posture. Additional noticeable indicators are rolling of the eyes, looks that can kill, and particularly bitter sarcasm aimed at you.

The less clear indications can be in their precise word choice. If you are in conversation with someone and they keep using the words "always" and/or "never", chances are high that they are suppressing anger deep within themselves, and they might not even be aware of it. When someone is using the words "always" and "never", remember that this is your sign that they are probably being irrational. Making an attempt to respond with useful advice or with a defense proving their statements invalid will only serve to fuel the fire of their emotions and you will have a full blown argument on your hands.

If your loved one is giving clues of sub-surface rage,the most helpful thing you can do is parrot back to them what they are saying. "So you feel..." and restate what they have said. Safety statements like "Tell me more about that" and "Thank you for sharing those feelings with me" are also very helpful. If you would like to share your own thoughts or counsel, try something such as: "May I offer you an additional thought?" If the answer is yes, then say "Could it be that . . .(and add your thought)". Be prepared for their emotions to blaze even more if they don't like what you have to say.

The more prepared you are to handle strong emotions, the less anxious you�ll feel when someone erupts, and the more peace you will feel as you help to guide and support your loved ones from a painful existence to a peaceful one.

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Emily Bouchard, has more than 18 years of experience in working with children and families dealing with adversity. Emily is also a loving stepmother to two young women who were teens when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Family newsletter.