English is a Funny Language

There are no people quite so arrogant as people for whom English is their mother tongue. This is not a reference to people from England or the UK, at least not merely them. This refers to all English mother tongues speakers across the world, those in the US, Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand, expats and tourists everywhere, they’re all SOBs. Just ask anyone who doesn’t speak English as a first language. A tourist who speaks English will travel for weeks in the most terrible conditions, pouring rain, gales of wind; blizzards alternating with intense heat so that they end up so ill they start puking up their internal organs. Yet they will keep going doggedly on without complaint until they reach the ends of the earth and a village. But should they find that not one person in that village speaks English you would think that the world was going to end. “What do you mean you don’t speak English?” they will shout, because shouting increases the likelihood of understanding, we all know this. “English is the international language of communication everyone knows at least some English.” This will be accompanied by some vague but emphatic hand gestures, possibly some more puking, but these will not aid in getting the message across. “For (content has been censored) sake! I’ve only gone and landed in the (censored)-hole of the world.” And the villagers will help the ailing tourist and gradually they will learn some pidgeon English and there will be basic communication and the tourist will be pleased because he or she has educated the ignorant masses.

Then there are the English speakers who take pride in their language abilities and take every opportunity to butcher as many foreign languages as possible. Their assumption is that they can speak the foreign language much better than the foreigner will be able to speak English. Because being a foreigner they naturally battle with anything foreign. It’s a queer sort of logic but it all makes sense to them. It’s a special kind of arrogance. They don’t want everyone to conform to their standard. They rather believe that they should spare them the embarrassment of even trying and so in their infinite superiority they take on the responsibility of bringing themselves down a level and communicating in other-tongue. It’s like community work, its unpleasant but one is obliged to do it.

So what is one to do with all of these arrogant English mother-tonguers? Cyanide. Hopefully not, there are some of us who try to swim upstream. We’re not perfect and often get caught and dragged back with the others. But its not our fault, English is inherently snobby, and we do try. Another solution is needed. Until that day comes we shall have to rely on patience, tolerance and professional translators and interpreters.

Sometimes even English speakers need interpreters to understand other English speakers. Does anyone actually understand Cockney rhyming slang? I bet even the people using it make it up on the spot and the people listening to them just nod and grin and say “Oh yar” or “innit”. Some Americans are also near impossible to understand especially those from the Deep South. The words all seem to run into each other in one long drawl and you never know when the pauses in the sentences might be. Those of course are the well known clichéd examples. In South African there are an abundance of accents that make understanding English an every day event, and that make listening a very careful and painstaking exercise. Its important to tread lightly where miscommunication might be an issue because people are sensitive about the way they talk and the way they are perceived, get their back up regarding this matter and you won’t find them very accommodating again very quickly.

English is a funny language and those that speak it are even funnier, not necessarily in a ha-ha kind of way either. English speakers need to recognise that while English may be the most recognised language internationally, that doesn’t mean that we have the right to expect to hear it wherever we go. We need to make more of an effort to respect other languages and that means that we don’t butcher them but treat them with the dignity that they deserve.