Food for Thought-ful, Successful Networking

We are now in an era where the recommended conversation opener for networking is: "How can I help you"? And this unctuous opening has achieved viral status. That's a phrase that works best at Sees Candies when the customer is pre-sold and the only decision is which candy: The walnut square or lemon truffle? (Walnut square is always my response).

When we meet people at events and open with this questionable question, we are missing the point of successful networking. Yes, it's all about helping each other. But now we hear that we must be the "first to give" as if it's a contest of who gives first, and, in order to do that, we must ask what people need. Of course, that's true. BUT, and this is a big BUT, a conversation that builds connection, rapport and some basis for trust is the foundation that first must be in place. Otherwise, that highly touted question sounds, to me, to be presumptuous.

I recently received an email from someone in the UK whom I didn't know who wrote what seemed like a chapter and asked how he could help me. My reaction: "I don’t know you in spite of the chapter you wrote about yourself. How can I know how you can help me or why I would ask you to do so? Unless, of course, he had an ulterior motive. And that, my friends, is the crux of the matter.

Benjamin Franklin once said, "If you want to make a friend, loan him a book". (Not an e-book, but I digress). The essence is to give someone something special as a way of starting a conversation and beginning a friendship. In the stellar book, Givers and Takers, we learn that "takers" give…in order to position themselves to receive (take).
Now that makes sense: the old ulterior motive trick. Givers Gain by Dr. Ivan Misner offers substantive insights into the concept and practice of giving and that which is returned. It's reciprocity.

In 1979, I attended my first presentation on "successful networking" given by Sally Livingston. Her definition of that process is one I have shared in my talks, books and media interviews for three decades: "Networking is a reciprocal process where we share ideas, information, referrals, leads, advice and support and it is mutually beneficial in both our professional and personal lives." Being from Chicago, reciprocity is a term I fully understand as well as the ramifications if one doesn't reciprocate.

Sally's point is that we share and we support each other. That's what barn raisings are. People build more than barns; they build a greater sense of community. The root work of community is the same as communication…so let's do that before we ask people we barely know how we can help them. If we do successfully communicate, the answer may appear and we can OFFER specific help without having to ask that question. What it will show about us and our "networking skills" is that we listen. And that is a good thing!

Susan RoAne is a successful networking keynote speaker and author of The Secrets of Savvy Networking , the classic: How To Work A Room®, Face To Face: How To Reclaim The Personal Touch in A Digital World and What Do I Say Next? Her books, columns and presentations helped launch an industry that she continues to shape. Learn more at