Cool 101

Every guy, no matter how old, wants to be cool. Then he has kids. Before long, he is changing poopy diapers, wiping snotty noses with his bare hand and listening to Sesame Street Songs all the way up to the cottage. This will suck the cool out of him like a hoover on a dustbunny. And before he gets a chance to start building up his Coolness Reserves his kids start to get older and realize what a GOMER they have for a father.They will hold this opinion until they have children of their own. The problem is that there is always someone older around to impress them. My Kids:"Great Grandpa lived in Siberia and rode horses everywhere. Did you?"
Me:"Well, no, not exactly."
My Kids:"Grandpa was born during the war and built his own race car to drive
around in. Did you?"
Me:"Alright. Time for bed."
Luckily for me, my kids discovered something the other day that has set me apart and made me cooler than my father and grandfather combined. Yes, they now realize that in my youth I lived life on the edge. I took it to the limit. I laughed in the face of certain death.
My Son:"So, when you were little, you NEVER wore a seat belt AT ALL?" Me:"That's right. And on special occasions, my dad would let me ride up in the back window."
My Son:"Did you die?"
Me:"A couple of times."
My Son:"WOW!!"
Me:"Plus, when we had to take the truck to town, we'd get to ride in the
BACK!"
My Daughter:"Did you wear your helmet?"
Me:"Didn't have a helmet, even for our bikes. Sometimes we'd land on our heads and have to get up and keep riding. That's how tough we were." My Son:"Were you even tough as a baby?" Me:"HA! Let me tell you something. When I was a baby, the bars on my crib were spaced just wide enough to get your head through...but not wide enough to get it back."
My Daughter:"Did your parents sue the crib company?"
Me:"Nah. They just let me learn a Valuable Lesson. There was a lot of that going on back then."
My Son:"Didn't you ever get sick?"
Me:"No. We could drink straight from the garden hose or share a pop between
four or five of us. In a glass bottle, no less. No harm done." My Daughter:"Wow. What a life!" Me:"No carseats, no sunscreen and every toy a certified choking hazard. It was pretty much heaven."
My Son:"Mom, I wish I was around when daddy was little."
My Wife:"Why? What's he been telling you this time?"
My Daughter:"Just about how he got to be so cool. Did you ever wonder?" My Wife:"Honestly, that was one question I've never asked myself."

Mark Thrice is a nationally syndicated humor columnist and Ethan Award winning author of Halfway To Crazy.