The Blonde Preservation Act

Geneticists theorize that in less than two hundred years there will be no natural blondes left in the human species. Is everybody else filled with as much horror and shock as I am by this ominous prediction? Can you imagine what the world would be like with Pandas, whales, Snowy Spotted Owls but no blondes? I shudder to think about it, I really do. And you should be shuddering, also, because think about it: With no blondes on the Earth who are we going to be allowed to make jokes about?

Aside from that, why should we go out of our way to preserve blondeness? Well, think about the standards we use to decide to preserve other endangered species. Do you know what the main over-riding factor that decides whether we choose to save one line of animals over another?

Give up?

It's cuteness.

That's right. The biggest factor that determines if animals are going to be allowed by us humans to continue living is how cute we think they are. I guarantee you that puppies and kittens will be around forever because they are absolutely adorable. And talk about Pandas - if they weren't so cuddly we wouldn't be making half the effort to keep them around.

Non- cute species? Think about your reaction if I told you that there was an insect virus that would kill off all of the cock roaches and spiders tomorrow. Not too concerned, are you? In fact, I dare say you might be a might bit happy with that news. Forget about all the good things these insects supposedly do in the ecosphere - they're icky. Now, think about that same virus only this time it's a kitten and puppy virus.

Aha! That would be a national disaster. We would have every available scientist up all night in their labs to find a cure for that virus, wouldn't we?

So, we should use the endangered species act for blondes, too - because they're cute. Well, most of them and that should be good enough.

The first thing we as a country should do immediately is to identify the natural blondes in our population. I had the idea that we could enlist the medical establishment to do this. We all know that there is only one real way to tell a real blonde from a non-real blonde, so every physician would be given a form that they would have to fill out and return to government bureaucrats when they have a suspected blonde patient in their examination room. The form would have one question: Carpet match the drapes? Simple. Then they would send it in and the national list of genuine blondes would be tabulated.

Once this list was compiled all blondes would have to be registered. Why not? We register handguns, and this is every bit as important as that. Next, the genuine blonds should be identified from the general population with - maybe - a system of arm bands or something that they would be required to wear everywhere, since we don't want them slipping over the border or anything.

Then we breed them. At first we could encourage this by a system of tax breaks. However if that doesn't work and the number of natural blondes continues to dwindle we would have to take more stringent measures, like setting aside land for Blonde Reservations, where we would send them all. The reservations would be created to mimic their natural habitat, I envision them as a cross between gigantic shopping malls and hot, trendy night clubs. They would be kept there until there are enough of them to re-introduce into the wild.

This sounds harsh, I know, but it's necessary if we want to keep telling amusing jokes about them well into the future.

Steve Sommers is the author of REXROI, and Evil Super-Villains need Love, Too.. (Both books can be viewed by simply clicking on the titles)