Candid Photography and Good Manners

1. Decide what you want the child to be.
This doesn’t mean ‘an accountant’, ‘a lawyer’, ‘the CEO of a corporation’ because those decisions are up to the child when he or she becomes ready to choose a career. This means set some general and worthwhile goal that will benefit the child as an individual, such as ‘someone with integrity who can think for himself’ or ‘someone moral, confident and self-assured’. If you can help your child achieve those you will have given the best you can give. One day you won't be around and the child will be an adult facing life without your supervision – if you want your son or daughter to survive well you have to start in on this early.

2. A child is not a pet or a possession.
A child is an individual with the same rights you expect for yourself. Don’t set out to mould the child into your own or someone else’s likeness. You don’t own your child and it’s not your job to train the child like a Labrador. Let the child gain a sense of himself and his capabilities and develop respect for himself and others.

3. Don’t monster the child’s self-determinism.
Life is a process of discovery. People learn many important things about life by trial and error. Don’t be obsessed with preventing your child from making mistakes. They’re only mistakes – they can be fixed. But constant control or second-guessing by a parent can make the child lose confidence in his own ability to select, act or respond effectively in life.

4. Love your child.
Pay no attention at all to the nonsense preached by psychologists. Children thrive on affection and fail when denied it. You cannot spoil your child with love – it’s one of the perks of living!

5. Provide an environment where the child can be himself.
A home where a four year old can’t touch this vase, walk on that carpet, open this drawer, drop that wine goblet, sit on that lounge is a hostile environment for the child. If you have lovely antiques, expensive ornaments, and designer furniture you’d better decide which is more important – those possessions or your child’s sanity. No kidding. Put those things away for the next ten years and make a home environment the child can enjoy as much as you. It’s his home too, you know.

6. Let the child help.
Count up how many times in an average week your child tries to help you with something. This is a highly commendable trait – to want to help. It’s an impulse that should be encouraged not killed off. Sure, often the help is clumsy and messy but messes can be cleaned up, however a child who grows up believing himself incapable of even helping his parents is not going to prosper in the larger group of society.

7. Children like schedules.
If you want to provide a framework for the child to grow within, give him schedules. Dinner at 6:30, TV off at 9pm, Movie night every Tuesday, play time at 7:30, etc. Schedules make for prediction, and in the frequent confusions of growing up it is very helpful to have at least some things that don’t shift and change.

8. Use Rewards and Penalties.
One day the child will be an adult who has to make his way economically in society. Good grounding in this vital aspect of life is to provide rewards when the child accomplishes something – an outing, a movie, a pizza night, a toy, or even an allowance – all these things are more valued and enjoyed when they are earned. Getting something for nothing is what stealing is all about, don’t set that example. The other side of this is having agreed upon penalties, but these are not to be confused with punishments. Hitting a child or causing physical pain to someone smaller and weaker than you is a criminal act. Maybe there’s no law against it but think it through for yourself. (See #2 and #4 above). Failure is its own penalty, but cancellation of TV rights for a night will also impinge. Being sent to one’s room is a sobering experience – and it doesn’t harm.

9. Children have small and growing bodies that need nourishment.
This seems obvious, but just look this over again. A child’s body is changing almost daily. There are many, many demands placed on it by an energetic child (and children are supposed to be energetic). Diet is VERY important. Good protein, good vegetable intake, good carbohydrates in proportion are essential. But watch the sugar! Sugar in a small body acts like a drug and causes most of the ‘crazy’ behavior you see in a child. If you want some reality on this watch what happens at the next birthday party. If adults behaved like that you’d say they were psychotic or at least drunk. You can straighten up a lot of wild behavior by fixing the child’s diet. Sweets are not good rewards because they do harm to the receiver. After about 12 years of age a child’s body seems to be able to handle sugar without the attendant screaming ‘highs’ and tearful ‘lows’. You can educate your child in the effects of sugar and engage his willingness to ration it out. Don’t just deny him the option because that will simply make him want it more.

10. Be a friend to your child.
Sometimes an adult’s goal is to get respect from a child. Respect is earned, not enforced. What’s a child’s biggest problem? Take a good look in the mirror. You’re his main role model, his life support system, and you should also be his best friend. Real friends don’t hit each other, they don’t drug each other (not even with pharmaceuticals), they don’t lie to each other, they don’t bully each other and they don’t obsessively seek to control each other. Childhood can be an adventure and also a very trying time – share the trying times and enjoy the adventures together.