http://www.articletrader.com/ Articles at ArticleTrader en-us http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/children-need-to-feel-that-they-belong.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/children-need-to-feel-that-they-belong.html Tue, 16 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500
In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson helps us understand that misbehaving children are discouraged children who have mistaken ideas on how to achieve their Primary Goal: TO BELONG. Mistaken ideas lead to misbehavior. Address the mistaken belief rather than just the misbehavior.

Jane goes on to tell us to use encouragement to help children feel a sense of belonging so that the motivation for misbehavior will be eliminated. Focus on improvement rather than on mistakes.

A great way to help children feel encouraged is to spend special time being with them, doing something you can enjoy together. With younger children (0-4) this could be 15 minutes a day. With older children, it could be an hour once a week. Alternate who chooses the activity. Schedule the time on a calendar, so your children can look forward to it.

Start a bedtime ritual of sharing the "saddest" and "happiest" times during the day. Share first and invite your child to join in. You will be surprised what you learn. Listen, do not fix.

Give children meaningful jobs. In the name of expediency many parents and teachers do things that children could do for themselves and each other. Children feel a sense of belonging when they know that they make a real contribution. Change your approach regularly. Make it fun.

Decide together what jobs need to be done. Put them in a jar and let each child draw out a few each week. Then no one is stuck with the same chores all the time. Parents and teachers can invoke children to help them make the house and class rules and list them on a chart entitled, "We decided". Children have ownership, motivation, and enthusiasm when they are included in the decisions.

Get children involved in creating a solution to a problem or situation, and in the creation of routines. Again, children feel a sense of belonging when they know that they make a real contribution.

Most of important, make sure the message of love gets through.
"I care about you! And I care about what happened. Let’s work on solving this together."

Give lots of hugs!

And a big hug to you Jane Nelson for all these great tips!




--
Delivered by Tulum Dothee, Credentialed and certified educator and counselor.

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Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/meltdowns-dont-fix-them-or-stop-them.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/meltdowns-dont-fix-them-or-stop-them.html Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Between 2 and 4 years children NEED to separate from you, any adult, in order to form their own individuality. It is a matter of their survival.

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Here’s what happens when you try to control, change or stop a melt down:

If you try to control or stop the tantrum, your clever child might stop for the moment, and then either resume shortly thereafter or store up how they feel about you. This usually looks like anger, frustration or disbelief at how incredibly foolish it is of you to do what you are doing. Yes, in some ways they ARE far more wise than we are. Worse yet, as a result of a couple of these experiences, your child will use these opportunities to show you just how much THEY are in charge. Such as cornering you to see if you are going to make good with your threats at the worst possible moments, like at a play date when your darling child (no, they never do this at home) has just yanked Little Johnny’s favorite truck out of his hand and now both of them are screaming OR at a restaurant with fellow patrons giving you "the look". The pressure is on and it’s difficult not to revert to the old tried and true "I’ll make you stop" repertoire by offering any number of bribes, distractions, apologies, shushes, justifications and hopefully DEPARTURES!

Yes Folks, the best way to deal with a melt down in public is to, as graciously as possible, take your leave. Go outside, or to a private place, take a moment and allow your child to fully process their feelings by having a good cry, or biting a wash cloth, or scribbling, etc. Then see if reparations can be made to reenter the scene. Either way, go home and do something to help both of you calm down and feel better.

If you try to change the child’s experience by "fixing" it, your child will get the message that all they have to do is have a fit to get your attention, or that they can’t count on you to set boundaries and hence they feel unsafe or they figure out that they need something or someone outside themselves to "fix" how they feel.

Jane Nelson reminds us that there are long-range results to either approach: resentment, rebellion, retreat, revenge. They’ll save up the really good ways to torment you until their teens when they’ll act out with drugs, eating disorders, cigarettes, alcohol, sex, shop lifting, you name it. They can get pretty creative, especially in the attempt to move through their feelings to repress how they feel. Which, by the way, we teach them when they are little and we get in the way or try to change what they are experiencing or how they are feeling.

SO WHAT TO DO???

Thankfully, it’s easier than you think. As a group of toddlers told me, "LEAVE US ALONE!! WE’LL COME TO YOU WHEN WE ARE READY!"

OK, OK!!! I get it! I hope you do too.

Make sure they are safe. Decide if you are going to stay close or leave. Tell them what you’re going to do and where they can find you when they are ready AT A NEUTRAL TIME.

Give yourself permission and actually do the self care to move through your own issues so that you can be truly present to facilitate their process. Ground yourself by journaling, screaming into a pillow, taking a shower, or whatever it takes... SO YOU CAN BE READY TO WELCOME YOUR CHILD WITH LOVE, COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING!




--
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Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/long-term-effects-of-punishment.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/long-term-effects-of-punishment.html Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Jane challenges us to take a new look at "time out". Instead, think of it as "feel better time" or "cooling off". Tell children in advance that we all need a "cooling off period" sometimes when we are misbehaving.

Teach your children about cooling off periods. Have everyone practice going to a separate area to do something to help themselves feel better. Tell them, "This is what I am going to do when I am feeling bad, and need to feel better." Then use it by modeling it yourself during a situation. Be sure to problem solve later at a neutral time with mutual respect.

Proper timing is the key. It does not work to deal with the problem at the time of conflict because emotions get in the way. Use the cooling off periods, then work out the problem during a neutral time when everyone is feeling better. Have meetings to solve the problems. (More about family meetings in a later issue.)

Punishment may work if all you are interested in is stopping the behavior in the moment. Beware of the long range results of punishment: Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge or Retreat.

Use Natural Consequences when appropriate. According to the late guru, Rudolph Dreikurs, Natural Consequences are the most important means of maintaining order. Opportunities to let your child experience unpleasant results of misbehavior will arise in the natural course of events. Never spare your children of these natural consequences!

For example, Brianna refuses to put her shoes on in the morning. As a logical conscequence, Mom and Brianna can't walk older brother to his classroom that morning (which Brianns loves to do), because she is wearing no shoes. There is no blame or shame related to this consequence.

Per Maria Montessori, during the approximate ages of 2 1/5 and five years, children enter the Sensitive Period of Social Development phase. A child explores and absorbs group and social behavior. Due to this sensitivity, a child needs to experience natural consequences for improper behavior. For example, a child should be removed from group nucleus if behavior is unacceptable.

During family or class meetings children can help decide on consequences. Back off, let them decide on and experience their choices. You or they can bring it up at another meeting to renegotiate. Remember to not use the word punishment, which does not work for long-range "good" results.




--
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Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/take-time-for-training-and-planning.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/take-time-for-training-and-planning.html Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Take time for training. As Jane says make sure children understand what "clean the kitchen" means to you. To them it may mean simply putting the dishes in the sink. Parents and teachers may ask, "What is your understanding of what is expected?".

Do training at neutral moments. I'd like to add to make it short and fun. Repeat the lesson until they get it. Acknowledge their efforts whether successful or not and leave the result without correction.

I've also found that it makes all the difference in the world when you prep your child for the day and upcoming events. Tell him the plan, how things will work and how we, as people, act under those circumstances. "When we go to the park, this is how we act..."

Jane goes onto tell us to avoid morning hassles by establishing routines the night before. Make lunches, lay out clothes. Get backpack’s ready with homework, books etc. Help children figure out how much time they need to get ready in the morning and set an alarm in their room. Let them experience the consequences if they don’t get up in time.

Nip bedtime avoidance by planning a night time routine. Involve the children in establishing the plan. Stick to it with firmness. After dinner, remind them of the plan you developed together, "Here's our plan... we will put on pajamas, brush teeth, read two books, share our happy and sad times of the day, then go to bed."

Per Maria Montessori, children from the approximate ages of one to three years enter the Sensitive Period for Order developmental phase. Children need routine and order in the home environment making it especially important to establish and communicate a plan.

Remember to make the training fun! Use role playing to act out the plan. Rotate the roles. Children love that!




--
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Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/use-family-or-class-meetings-for-problem-solving.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/use-family-or-class-meetings-for-problem-solving.html Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Never underestimate your child’s ability to participate and benefit from a family meeting. I have done them with success with children 15 months old and would not hesitate to include an infant. The thing to remember is that you are creating a format so that you can come up with solutions as a family. This makes the family unit the authority instead of just you (which is a set up for power struggles). So when you begin having meetings don’t expect them to be the cure all. Instead break them down into steps to ensure success. I am grateful to Rudolph Dreikurs, who introduced me to meetings in The Challenge of Child Training: A Parent's Guide. After using them in my Montessori School and with my family for the last 19 years I have come up with what works best for me. Here are the things to remember:

Family meetings should occur once a week on the same day, at the same time.

Schedule a meeting between meals when folks are rested. I like 11 am because we have recently had snack and had some outdoor time, so we are ready to sit and listen and participate.

Sit at a cleared table, turn off the tv and phone.

Use a talking stick, only the person with the stick can talk.

If possible have the special day person lead the meeting. Write down the minutes, keep a journal. It will remind you of what you did and it will be loads of fun to read years down the road.

REMEMBER: Meetings are for finding solutions, NOT FOR GRIPING OR BLAMING. (If folks need to gripe, schedule a gripe session for another time. At the gripe session set the timer for one minute and everyone gets to gripe at the same time. You’ll all end up laughing.)

For the first month follow this format:

Open the meeting by passing the stick around and inviting each person to share what they are grateful for.

Thank everyone for their contributions, even the little one who says, "I like bananas."

Pass the talking stick and have everyone make suggestions about what fun family activity you can do right after the meeting.

Vote on the suggestions. Expect the little ones to vote for each option. Don’t correct them, they’ll get it eventually. Be sure that the parents don’t always vote together.

Close the meeting by letting the leader choose a song for everyone to sing. SERVE DESSERT! IT’S A GREAT WAY TO GET THOSE OLDER CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE!

Go do the fun family activity.

The second month:

Introduce compliments. Pass the stick and have each person compliment themself. Alternate gratefuls and self compliments each week.

Introduce issues. Pass the stick and ask each person, "Do you have an issue that you would like help solving?"

Address the first CHILD issue that is presented. (Save adult issues for the next month.).

Pass the stick and have each person make a suggestion for a solution. If someone doesn’t have one let them "PASS". Have two solutions yourself in case no one offers one. Make sure solutions are RELATED, RESPECTFUL AND REASONABLE!

Let the person with the issue decide: either they choose a solution or the family votes. Vote if the issue concerns the entire family.

Sing. Have dessert.

The third month:

Introduce complimenting each other. Have each person compliment the person sitting next to them (let the leader decide which direction to go) by acknowledging something that person did. Now alternate gratefuls, self acknowledgments and complimenting others, one per meeting.

Introduce the written agenda. Folks may write, draw a picture, or dictate their issue. Vote on how may issues they can write each week. Post the agenda in a central location. When someone comes to report an issue invite them to write it on the agenda. Follow the agenda in sequence. Ask each person if it is still an issue for them. Often times they have resolved it themself. Ask if they would like to share how they solved their problem.

Adults may begin to present an issue. ONLY ONE ADULT ISSUE PER MEETING FROM HERE ON OUT! I suggest that the first time one parent present an issue about the other parent to help the children realize that it’s not the adults versus the kids.

Phrase your issue this way: "I am having a problem with (the situation). Can you please help me come up with a solution?" Folks want to help us when we take responsibility for us having a problem rather than blaming others.

Strive to arrive at a consensus where everyone agrees on one solution so the family is not divided on issues that involve the family as a whole. Frame the solutions as "an experiment" that you’re going try for a week. If someone isn’t happy with the outcome, including yourself, then they can put it on the agenda for the next meeting.

If you haven’t done so already, vote on how long the meetings will last. I recommend that you keep them short, so folks will continue to want to attend. (If an older child does not want to attend, that’s fine. Once they realize that decisions are being made for them they might change their mind.)

Extras: A family member may call a mid- week meeting, if desired.

As children get older, use family meetings to schedule everyone’s events for the coming week and enter them on a calendar.

Schedule date nights: FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR: One per week. Kuddos for Jane for coming up with this brilliant plan.

Week 1: Dad & child A, Mom & child B
Week 2: Dad and Mom
Week 3: Dad & child B, Mom & child A
Week 4: Family Date

Everyone follows the agreed on solutions until they reappear on the agenda. NO FALLING BACK ON THE ADULT’S RETAKING CHARGE (unless of course it’s a safety issue.)

Have a meeting each week even when there are no issues. Have News Period instead.

REMEMBER: You are setting the stage for the future by creating a format that your family will be so familiar with that when you REALLY have issues you’ll be able to solve them as a family in a respectful, cooperative way.

Single parent or roommate family units can have meetings as well as larger family units. Use the same format. I know of one family of three in which the teenage son and Dad refused to participate. Mom kept an agenda, and had a meeting with herself in a locked bathroom, with the mirror. She got clear on how she felt about things and decided how SHE was going to handle things, NOT HOW SHE WAS GOING TO TRY TO MAKE OTHERS DO THINGS. Then she informed the family of her conclusions. I often wonder if son and Dad came around.

Classes can use this format too. Place chairs in a big circle. Majority rules.




--
Delivered by Tulum Dothee, Credentialed and certified educator and counselor.

Discover proven techniques to become the best parent and solve your most difficult child-raising situations.

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Parenting


Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/learn-the-steps-to-gaining-cooperation.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/learn-the-steps-to-gaining-cooperation.html Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Of course the first step to getting more cooperation is to get out a mirror and examine your own behavior and belief system. Take a good, hard look at how cooperative YOU are with your spouse, children, and others. Chances are that if you have been irritated when someone asks for your help, or whiney when the house is left a mess, or nag when the chores need to be done, then that is exactly what you are getting back. Are you asking for cooperation when you mean and want blind compliance? If so all you are creating is tyranny and all you will be rewarded with is revolt. Remember, no one likes a whiner, or wants to go along with your program when you are doing your wicked witch of the west routine.

In case you are having a hard time acknowledging your part in this, just step back for a day or two and watch and listen. What you see and hear comes from you. Yes, it’s true. Sure you didn’t mean to, you didn’t know any better. Now you do.

Once you figure out your mistakes, sit everyone down and share your discovery. Try to get excited that you finally see this about yourself. Have a good laugh. After all, you are just human and we all make mistakes while we are learning. Not only are you modeling how to cooperate, you are also modeling how to respond to mistakes. Don’t over think this, or lay a guilt trip on yourself, just do it.
Talk about what you want from yourself and everyone else. Discuss the atmosphere you want to create. Don’t whine. Agree on a hand signal for your family to use when you forget and go back to your old ways.

Make a vision board with photos of your family getting along and having fun doing things around the house together. Display it in a prominent place.

Set up a family meeting to figure out how to be more cooperative. Have fun coming up with creative solutions. Follow your children’s suggestions no matter how unrelated or silly they seem. They may be just what everyone needs to turn the corner.

Speak in affirmations:

"We are getting along so well!"

"It’s easy for us to treat each other with love and respect."

"Our chores are getting done quickly and effortlessly."

"We have all the time we need to get everything done."

Any time you feel the urge to grumble, say an affirmation. What you sow, grows.

Explore what each family member needs to help them be more cooperative. Have each member come up with one item, list and post them. State them in the affirmative. Focus on what you are going to do instead of what you are going to stop doing. Strive to give each family member that one thing that they need. Cooperation comes from compromise and negotiation. Reread the list together every morning before breakfast.

Everyone wants to be heard. STOP what you are doing and LISTEN, do not fix.

Decide together what chores need to be done. Decide when and how you are going to do them. Set up a schedule and post it. Every morning review the plan for the day together.

We all want to feel special and be in charge. Assign each member of your family a "Special Day" each week. The special day person makes all decisions and settles all disputes.

When you ask someone to do something, model the response, "OK Papa, I’d love to pick up my toys." Then pick them up. Don’t wait or insist for your child to join you. If you do it long enough with joy and enthusiasm, they will too.

Make sure to show your family HOW to do things. Show, rather than tell. Make lessons short and sweet. Do it over and over until they get it.

The less you say the better. Get in there and start handing stuff out that needs to be put away.

Chew gum or hum if you need help staying quiet.

If you feel compelled to comment on how someone is doing something, say what you observe. "There’s pile of dirt right here." or simply point it out and say "Dirt." Let them decide what, if anything, to do about it. Be OK with their decision.

Offer choices: "It’s chore time, shall we start with picking up the clothes or the toys?"

Remember: Living things FIRST. Feed and water all pets and plants before attending to inanimate things.

Play "What if" in the car. "What if no one wants to do their chores?" Come up with contingency plans together. Make it OK to take a break from a particular chore, or to rethink them entirely.
Remind yourself that even the best laid plans will only work well for a couple of weeks. Be prepared to refresh your approach.

Cooperative Phrases:

As soon as you do...we’ll do....

I’m happy to help you with....

What is your plan for....?

How can we solve...?

I need some help with....

Let me show you how to....

Oh my Gosh! There are ___everywhere, what are we going to do?

I wish you could _____. Here’s what we can do....

How are you going to solve this problem?

How about you help me with... and I’ll help you with....

Here’s the plan....

OOH, I know it’s hard, let’s do it together!

This is how we....

What are you going to do about...?

I can’t wait to hear how you solved this problem!

Keys to Gaining Cooperation:

Model cooperation yourself. Do YOU cooperate with your spouse, children and extended family?

Plan together. During a family meeting decide together what needs to get done and how you are going to do it.

Schedule it. Once you’ve decided on a plan, get it scheduled and displayed. Then the schedule is the authority, not you, which decreases power struggles

Do chores together. Set the timer to agreed upon time, play some music and get going!

When the plan falls apart ask, "How are we going to get this done?" Follow your children’s solutions.

Rename the word "chore". I know a Norwegian family who call them "splevin".

Ask your children what THEY need to get along better. Make agreements.

If you ask someone to do something and they say no, respond with "I’ll do it!" Do it with enthusiasm.

Keep your sense of humor. When things don’t go as planned, laugh, take a break, do something fun and try again later.

Change one behavior at a time. Slow and steady wins the race.




--
Delivered by Tulum Dothee, Credentialed and certified educator and counselor.

Discover proven techniques to become the best parent and solve your most difficult child-raising situations.

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Parenting


Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/speak-to-your-child-as-if-he-were-a-dear-friend.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/speak-to-your-child-as-if-he-were-a-dear-friend.html Tue, 18 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Maria Montessori has shown us that modeling appropriate behavior is particularly critical during a child's first six year of life, because children enter the Absorbent Mind developmental phase. A child's mind acts like a sponge, integrating everything accurately, nonjudmentally, uncritically and effortlessly. Therefore, is it particularly important to model appropriate behavior for your child, especially in the way you speak to others. They will LEARN FROM YOU!

Speak to your child as if he were a dear friend.

When you speak, stoop down, make eye and physical contact, speak slowly. Get down to their level. Developmentally, toddlers do not think they are accountable if you are not at arms length.

Per Maria Montessori, children from the approximate ages of three months to 5 ½ years, enter the Sensitive Period for Language developmental phase. Children need clear articulation, proper usage of language and creative usage of language. This sensitivity to language makes it particularly important to speak clearly and slowly, as well as to show and teach a love of reading.

Use healthy, direct speech:

Use AND instead of BUT: "I feel sad that the vase broke AND I still love you."

Use I FEEL instead of I AM or YOU ARE when speaking about yourself:
" I feel irate." (Takes responsibility and it will pass.)
"I am irate." (Says that’s how I am and will stay.)

Avoid feelings that end in "ED" These are usually blaming statements.
"I feel irritated." (Blames someone else for how I feel.)

Ask, Tell, Respond, Act:

• Ask first: "Please put your activity away." Back off and wait. If needed:

• Tell once: "This goes right here." Hand her the toy and pat the shelf.

• Respond: "OK Mama, I'm putting it away!." (Say if for her.) If needed:

• Act: "Let's do it together!" Do it with joy! (Even if she doesn't help.)

• Teach and model that mistakes are great opportunities to learn:

Most of important... Listen!!!!! Do Not Fix or Try to Change Feelings!




--
Delivered by Tulum Dothee, Credentialed and certified educator and counselor.

Discover proven techniques to become the best parent and solve your most difficult child-raising situations.

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Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/argh-i-spend-my-entire-day-cleaning-up.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/argh-i-spend-my-entire-day-cleaning-up.html Mon, 17 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500
"By 5 pm the house is a mess, the kids are tired, and I need to get dinner going! How can I get them to pick up their toys?" Sound familiar?

First things first. As with any new plan or change tell your family what you have in mind and how it will look.

Limit the amount of toys and books your kids have out at a time. I’d say 12 - 15 activities out per child, and a handful of books, more for older kids.

Per Montessori training, children need to feel inner security and a sense of order to develop sound emotional growth. These characteristics may be fostered via a well-ordered environment. A child’s inner need for order will be satisfied when every item has its place and the ground rules call for everything to be in its place. Likewise a child's need for order is met through routine and predictability.

Arrange stuff so that everything they need to do an activity is in a bin, basket, box or tray so that it can be carried easily to a play area and put away easily. FYI, legos would be in one bin and limited to enough to have fun and be creative and yet still manageable to put away easily. So less for younger and untrained kids, increasing as they show they have the tools to deal with quantity.

Arrange the activities on separate shelves so that each child has their own stuff in their own area. In other words don’t ask them to share toys, shelves/bins or play areas. Parents of younger children can consider putting photos or catalog pictures of each toy on the shelf to help.

Use toy chests and boxes for storage to put away the excess and if you are really organized, set up labeled, lidded boxes with seasonal items in either their closets, under their beds, in the garage... Rotate monthly and seasonally, more often in winter.

Initiate a one toy at a time policy. Take time for training and at neutral moments use roll play to show your children HOW to clean up: focus on one activity at a time, or toys of a specific color or type, or on a particular area. Make training a game and stop at a high moment.

Developmentally, toddlers from 18 - 36 months need to dump. Dumping is an essential activity in developing their gross motor skills, which is then followed by the development of their fine motor skills. Instead of making available large buckets of lego, that will get dumped, keep the numbers small. A toddler is incapable of picking up 50 lego pieces in one sitting. Make sure to satisfy their need by giving children dumping activities whether in sand boxes, the bathtub or the kitchen sink. In addition, per Maria Montessori, they need to exert MAXIMUM EFFORT, meaning they need to carry the biggest thing they can, dump the biggest, move the biggest.

And here is the FUNNIEST part: Play "Pick Up Bear" at least a full half hour before dinner prep begins. Get a big sack or basket, make up a "pick up bear song" and sing it in a "bear voice", you could even don a bear mask. Invite your children to join you and pick up stuff. Any toys you pick up stay away for one full day. Present this in a fun non- punitive/threatening/competitive way, your kids will love it and your home will be neat and tidy.




--
Delivered by Tulum Dothee, Credentialed and certified educator and counselor.

Discover proven techniques to become the best parent and solve your most difficult child-raising situations.

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Parenting

Source: http://www.articletrader.com ]]> http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/telling-a-child-what-to-do-and-how-to-behave-will-often-backfire-on-you.html http://www.articletrader.com/home-and-family/parenting/telling-a-child-what-to-do-and-how-to-behave-will-often-backfire-on-you.html Sat, 05 May 2007 00:00:00 -0500
Save shouting for safety only.

To teach your children manners say it for them rather than asking them to use the "Magic Word". As you serve say, "Thank you Mama!" When your child demands service say, "May I have some juice please Papa?"

Or, try using non-verbal signals. Decide with your children what the hand signal will be when they have asked for service inappropriately. Use the hand signal, such as touching your lips with your index finger, every time they demand service.

Maria Montessori has shown us that modeling appropriate behavior is particularly critical during a child’s first six year of life, because children enter the Absorbent Mind developmental phase. A child’s mind acts like a sponge, integrating everything accurately, nonjudmentally, uncritically and effortlessly.

During the approximate ages of 2 1/5 to five years, children enter the Sensitive Period for Social Development phase. A child explores and absorbs group and social behavior. Due to this sensitivity, a child needs to have modeled acceptable social behavior at home and in a positive school setting.

The late guru, Rudolph Dreikurs, teaches us to teach and model mutual respect. Be kind and firm at the same time. Kind to show respect for your child, firm to show respect for yourself and the needs of the situation. This is difficult!

Ask, Tell, Respond, Act:

Ask first: "Please put your activity away." Back off and wait. If needed:

Tell once: "This goes right here." Hand her the toy and pat the shelf.

Respond: "OK Mama, I’m putting it away!." (Say if for her.) If needed:

Act: "Let’s do it together!" Do it with joy! (Even if she doesn’t help.)

Teach and model that mistakes are great opportunities to learn:

Clean up your messes:

1. Own your part: "Wow, I just made a mistake!"

2. Apologize: "I apologize for_____. (Be specific)"

3. Commit: "The next time I will do _____ instead."

4. Amends: "To make it up to you I will do _____ for/with you."

When you want to make your child do something you are in a power struggle. Say "Oops, I’m trying to get my way, I’m going to go do something to help myself feel better."

Children express what we repress. When your child acts up, look inside yourself first. Clean up your act, resolve your feelings, mend fences.


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