Leaders Sometimes Learn From the Most Unlikely People

If you were asked to name the most effective leaders in the world, in government or in your personal life experience, you probably could come up with a multitude of names. These people very likely share many of the same characteristics. No doubt, if you were asked to list the most difficult, aggravating or negative people, your list would far exceed the first. People, however, weren’t born negative, argumentative or downright nasty; they grew into that behavior. Whether they stay in that mode is their decision and totally out of your control. The only person you can control is you. But the ironic thing about having all these challenging people in your life is they can actually be a blessing. Granted, you sometimes have to look long and hard for the good, but nonetheless, they are here for a purpose and serve to help you become the best leader around.

Being the quintessential leader doesn’t happen overnight; it comes with experience and is connected more to a person’s disposition than the position he holds. Let’s face it, keeping a positive attitude is not easy when many of the people you interact with are not on your list of winning personalities and positive people. Why put up with them? Wouldn’t you be better off without the aggravation and frustration?

For the sake of example, let’s compare life to school. Some educational guru decided what would make you a well-rounded individual. You need the skills to communicate with others. You need to be exposed to curriculum that would foster talents, expose you to ideas contrary to your beliefs and stretch you to new levels of thinking and performance.

Life works in a similar fashion. Everyday we are exposed to people who see things from a different perspective. Sometimes this alternative viewpoint rankles us. Everyday we are forced to interact with people who have not learned to let go of past issues and carry this baggage around like some kind of armor, certain that this shield will protect them from further injury. There’s a lot of hurt out there, and it keeps on reinventing itself at the expense of many.

Remember the lesson of stimulus/response? Interacting with difficult people often follows that same pattern. They offer the stimulus, and we respond. Our response can take two forms: emotional/physical or logical. Unfortunately, it’s the emotional response that gets activated more readily. That’s because certain brain pathways involved in emotions bypass cortical areas involved in thinking. Thus, we speak and react first and suffer the consequences next.

How does knowing all this help to make someone a better leader? First, it helps to clarify why people act as they do. Second, it gives each of us the option to follow our animal instinct or activate our higher nature and learn valuable life lessons.

Learning to be patient is one of those valuable lessons in life. When we learn to control our immediate emotional response to negativity, we de-escalate hostile situations, boost our self-confidence and improve our outcomes. Dealing with difficult people gives us the opportunity to think and take the proactive approach. Taking the proactive approach is far more likely to end the way you would prefer. Being reactive is like shaking up a bottle of soda before you open it. It’s a wild experience, but it leaves a big mess that someone has to clean up.

While patience leads to finding solutions rather than further drama, it also teaches us to be tolerant. Not everyone will be open to collaboration and negotiation, but even these people have some positive traits. When people have points of view that seem to be the antithesis of ours, we must strive to see the common ground. Finding this one point, however small, may be the beginning of some kind of understanding.

So far it may appear that it’s the other guy who is benefiting from this approach. Not so. When we can control our emotions, see things from the other person’s perspective and find some common ground on which to talk, we not only bring about a positive result, but we increase our own self-worth. Self-worth comes from bringing about genuine accomplishments, and dealing in a positive manner with this type of person is certainly something to be proud of.

People we’re at odds with relish the opportunity to set things straight and tell us where we can improve. Rather than seeing them as a big pain, listen without taking offense. It’s possible that they see things in us that do need to be addressed. Learn to consider what is said without passion. This is not an easy task, but if we don’t learn life’s lesson this time, life will repeat the opportunity until we pass the exam.

Difficult people can also be the best role model, an example of what we don’t want to become. Observing their style makes clear the kinds of qualities we want to foster in our dealings with others. Actions speak louder than words, so let’s learn from this demonstration. The leader who controls his emotions and responds more positively wields more leverage, even with difficult team members.

Probably the most difficult lesson is the one of forgiveness. We can’t change the past. Our choice is to relive the hurt over and over again, or let it go, move on and live the best life possible. Forgiveness does not mean excusing someone’s actions or even forgetting. It does mean that we let go of the response that triggers the stress-response mode. If not, we increase the stress hormones that increase negative reactions in the body and compound the problem: now we have a physical issue as well as an emotional one.

The next time you must deal with someone who can push your buttons, smile and be thankful for the opportunity to learn another lesson on “How to Become the Best Leader Possible”.

Phyllis Nasiopulos, Life Style Mentor and Successful Entrepreneur, is helping many become the next success story.