Learning to Say NO

Many of us are seeking to live more "congruent" lives, to become the people we know we can be. Age or dramatic challenging circumstances may have caused us to become more self-reflective. Bigger goals may be calling us to expand our capabilities or thinking. We may have simply become "uncomfortable in our own skin," no longer content to be in the career or relationships that once seemed to fit. Whatever the motivation, the path to becoming congruent, who you truly are, is not necessarily a smooth one because who you have been is conditioned into the hard-wiring of your brain.

So as you consciously begin to grow and change, you'll probably feel more incongruent rather than less. This is because your conditioned identifications are now at odds with the person you consciously choose to become. For instance, you may have always been a people pleaser. You felt comfortable (or only slightly uncomfortable) to back down from an argument with your spouse, or stay late at work to cover for your boss's disorganization. But when you decide to put yourself first for a change? The discomfort can be enormous! Your conditioning (to be a people pleaser) and new desire (to be more self-caring) will fight a mighty battle with one another, making you feel both guilty and selfish and, at the very same moment, angry at yourself for being weak.

Contrary to popular belief, this discomfort is a good sign! It's telling you that you are stirring things up, that your prior conditioning is no longer the only force in your life. Unfortunately, many people fear this discomfort and renege on the change they initiated. But if we stay with the discomfort-- breathing into it, meditating on it, journaling to learn its messages, etc. – it can be a valuable ally.

But what about when the outside world – your spouse, friends, family, and co-workers – conspire with your old conditioning to keep you from changing? Frankly, this is more common than not. People around you might feel fearful, threatened, jealous, rejected or simply confused by your changes. They may express disapproval, argue with you, try to convince you to return to the "good old you." Your spouse may insist that you stop being argumentative. Your boss may accuse you of not being a team-player when you are no longer willing to work extra hours. In the moment of these confrontations, you may not have the luxury of meditating on it or journaling about it. So what can you do?

1. Just say no. Don't give reasons or excuses as this only gives the other person ammunition to continue their campaign.
2. If the situation is loaded, say a confrontation with a boss, take a calming thought and say, "I'd like to give that some thought" to buy yourself some time.
3. Say nothing at all. If it's too uncomfortable to say "no" and saying "yes' feels wrong, keep silent. We so often feel that a response is required and it isn't. Take a deep breath and stay connected to your inner sense of self.
4. If you feel compelled to explain yourself, first take a conscious breath and silently think about how you honestly feel. Once you feel connected with yourself, make your statement out loud. A response that is not rushed is more likely to reflect the real you.

Dr. Adrianne Ahern is a sports performance psychologist and author of Snap Out of it Now! Her innovative tools, including neurofeedback, help people in all walks of life achieve better performance by identifying and overcoming mental obstacles. To learn more, visit http://www.AdrianneAhern.com. Or, Email adrianne@snapoutofitnow.com.