To listen well is to learn

What we may like to think of as wrong or right, good or bad, is probably best seen as nothing more than local, modern, temporary attitude that is nothing more than conventional conduct for this time at this place. We may want to remember that when we hear opinions being expressed that seem strange or even ‘wrong' to us. They are simply different, and no doubt reflect the other person's time and place as much as ours do. Factors such as income levels, racial origin, birthplace and time of life are primary in the formation of belief and customs. We deserve and win respect if we show respect to another person whose words and actions speak of these differences.

Personal experience is just that - personal - and cannot realistically be assumed to be even similar to anyone else's - one man's ceiling is another woman's floor - nonetheless, we share a few things universally, mostly we want to reach out and expand our lives, in whatever way we feel is important to us. Naturally we will need to open up to new ways of seeing the world, and try out some new stuff, which can be at first rather challenging and odd to say the least. The first flinch against something new is the automatic reflex of self-protection, and this negative unhelpful habit has to be addressed if we want to grow in a healthy way, free of fear and narrow-mindedness. Being open-minded shows itself in our willingness to take on new ideas, learn skills, to meet new people and avoid dogma and prejudice.

When someone is talking to us and we are inwardly resistant and tend to disagree, then on some level they can feel that. It can even reduce their ability clearly and confidently to express what they think and want to express - and could in fact considerably influence not only how they speak but also the content of what they say. However, if our listening attention is warm and supportive, then rapport is established and a sense of harmony can pervade the atmosphere between us. What is said then somehow gives form to the good feelings that exist and generates positivity that can help you in what you want from the exchange.

This is no small thing. If we want to make the world a better place, then we will all need to learn how to think and speak much more positively, and therefore learn to listen to others in such a way that their thoughts and words are more inclined to be positive. This is a task that takes flair. We can't just tell people to stop being negative because this will simply strengthen their attitude. Indeed, we want them to realize what they are doing, (and we may consider it our job to instruct them!) yet it has to be gently managed.

Let us remember that the communication process is co-creative; the listener and speaker are doing it together. As was said, the listener's quality of attention has an effect upon the message in form as well as essence. And of course the speaker's words touch the listener - it goes without saying. Both are involved, each influencing the other and - meaningfully - each influencing the message itself. Let's think about this: it runs against the idea that an individual has totally responsibility (or indeed can take total credit) for what they say.

Perhaps a degree more humility is appropriate when we talk, so that we are ready to acknowledge the importance of a good listener sharing in the process of voicing the wisdom gems we deliver (and yet think of as our own!) Also when listening we could take a little more responsibility for what is said to us, and especially the way it is said - with respect, with anger, with contempt - because there are two people involved in the conversation.

Another good reason for us to want to listen to another person with care and attention - there's a reasonable chance that they have something of importance for us to learn!

These ideas follow the 7 Words model - that all things are basically expressions of the seven fundamentals: No, Hello, Thanks, Bye, Please, Sorry, Yes. See if you can recognize them in the 7 stages above.

I hope that the description of this sevenfold method will be a source of new ideas and inspiration, even if you don't choose to use it!

Free Questionnaires and Mini Courses are available on the 7 Words website, interactive fun with the "satisfaction index calculator" at 7 Words Associates