Big Ears and a Radiant Heart

Many of us have involvement with others that centres on the giving of attention—and in some cases it is mostly a one-way conversation rather than an exchange, perhaps because the other has more need than we have at the moment. This can be in friendship, or even as a healer, or maybe with a stranger. Whichever it is, let's simply define the other person as ‘the client'. Although it may sound a little too formal, it will help to remind us of the nature of the involvement, which is an opportunity for healing and actually does have a degree of formality.

The secret to being a good healer is to have big ears and a radiant heart. Let's focus for the moment on the ears—the importance of listening to others—since in general this is an area where so much improvement can be brought about with such a small degree of effort. Listen.

Listen doesn't mean hear; there's more. Hearing is passive and uncommitted and listening is much more involved. There are two distinct aspects to the process of speaking—the verbal and the non-verbal—and good listening requires that we relate well to both aspects. Non-verbal messages are delivered mainly in the tone of voice and body language and can be seen as the most important part of the message because this is the aspect that the person cannot easily conceal, so is much more authentic and free from social and other pressures.

However, though it may be the tip of an iceberg, it is the verbal content that we have to work with—these are the words we are offered and represent what is consciously (partly) opened up for the exchange. There are clues in the specific choice of words that show how best we can relate to our conversational partner. For example, if John says ‘my wife is going to have a baby', we may want to focus some attention on his concerns about her; if he says ‘I'm going to be a father', we would be likelier to form better rapport by talking about John's new life role and its attendant issues and responsibilities.

Good listening requires that we are able to some significant degree to suspend our own attention needs, to pull back from expressing our opinions or experiences. Here: Alice says ‘I'm feeling depressed because my boyfriend has left me'; it is hardly appropriate to grab the focus of attention back with a pseudo-empathy ‘I know how you feel, Peter left me last week', because Alice wants to talk about Alice not Peter. Great help can be given to the process of healing our thinking if we can learn to improve listen skills, and apply them more often.

Inevitably, if we are to develop a better rapport with others, we need to form closer bonds of empathy and, through a deeper understanding, to express a greater tolerance and compassion. As this spreads from individual to individual we hope that our communities will become more and more based upon principles that ennoble humanity rather than debase it. This will in time bring governments into alignment with the wishes of the people so that corruption, despoiling and war may fade away from the human psyche. They are aspects of the mental ill health that—if they are to be healed—requires right thinking and right speech. It is futile to hold anyone to blame for the problem—this simply increases it and focuses attention and energy away from the solutions. Let's remember that we are all, (even the ‘bad guys'), sons and daughters of parents who were unable to treat us more consciously.

There are those who would ask the point in helping others. ‘Why should I take the trouble to offer attention to others? My own life is so busy, my time so limited, my emotions drained and fraught—and my own attention needs are not being met anyway.' Well, indeed if a person really is at the end of their tether and has little to offer another, then it may not be realistic to help others and more appropriate to receive. However if we feel okay and meet someone who needs some care and attention—TLC as the nursing profession calls tender loving care—then why not give a little? Surely as humanity heals its thinking it will awaken in the knowledge that everything is connected, we are all likely to benefit in a small way for every good deed ever done anywhere by anyone. As John Donne put it in a slightly different context: ‘do not ask for whom the bell tolls—it tolls for thee'. Bad for another is bad for me; good for another is good for me.

We have the response ability to help others, we have the subtle emotional rapport to feel for others and we have surely hurt others, albeit unintentionally. So to balance the books, we serve ourselves by acts of atonement—the essence of meaning in the doctrine of Karma and also of Christian forgiveness—in order to release suffering and poverty-consciousness. This person in front of me—now, today, here in this ordinary situation—this person is currently the most important person in my life, and since I want my life to be good, I want this person to feel worthy of my good attention. That's why we help people—because we can. Each one is a reflection of us, a part of who we really are—even the angry car driver, the morose waitress, the domineering boss and the unhelpful landlord are drawn into our lives to show us ourselves by reflection. Let's be good to them because it's the quickest—and actually the only—way to heal ourselves.

In normal life most people don't receive enough attention, especially good quality attention, so the very act of offering this has a healing effect. It has to be sincere, it has to be kind and it is more profound when it is well formed—hence the value of the questionnaire. We don't need to ‘push' or ‘pull', it's better if the flow of the exchange is easy and light, so a gentle nudge is all that is required if the client goes off on a tangent and loses the thread of the matter.

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