Attention to All Infatuated

Dear Sir,

I notice that you have been stalking me. I can tell by the way I always see you at the corner of my eye. I'm not stupid. Simply observant. And the fact that you're always ducking or turning your head away whenever I look your way is a dead giveaway. So please. Stop that. You're losing your dignity and I'm starting to pity you. You do not want me to pity you; I can tell. So please. Stop.

I am very flattered that you are interested in me. To be quite honest, very few people have actually expressed that they have any interest in me at all, unless we're talking professionally or in terms of friendship. I have lots of friends, and people seem to think I'm good at my job. But in my lifetime, very few people have outright told me that they intend to make me their girlfriend. Just as a heads-up: I'd rather that you walk up to me and say hi. I'm almost afraid the whiplash will snap your neck in an attempt to avoid my gaze, you see. Even becoming my friend first is quite appealing; that way, we'll get to know each other a little bit first before you can ask me out on a date. And there's less risk of you killing yourself in the attempt to be one with the tiles. Your ninja skills are lacking, my good, deluded friend.

But seriously, I'd appreciate it if you were more frank. I understand that you're afraid of rejection and I have to tell you that I have an equally crippling fear of failure. But I must point out that not trying at all is pretty much the same as being a failure, only more pathetic because you didn't even summon the guts to go for something that you wanted. I'll have you know that I respect people who subscribe to the idea of “no guts, no glory”. Because it is absolutely true. Unless you take risks, you will stay in that same old life. Or under that bush, as you seem to be right now.

You cannot, and I must stress this, you CANNOT seriously expect me to go over there and chat you up. First, it will be very, very awkward for me to say “Hi! What are you doing under that bush, trying to dig a hole with your bare hands?” Secondly, you're the one interested in me. I refuse to make the first move because it's not my problem (although I am slightly bothered and concerned at the way you would try to act nonchalant by staring at a pineapple). Of course, it is perfectly understandable that an introduction of “Hey there! You're from operations, right? I've been stalking you for six months now. Wow, that was easier than I thought” is pretty awkward too. But I somehow think that THAT would be so much better than me having to endure another half year of you appearing in my periphery every so often. Dude: that's creepy, if I may be so frank. Trying to be less creepy with a simple “Hello” will work for you. Seriously. I promise not to scream and call the cops.

If you're not the direct type, though, I appreciate SOME form of sneakiness. Make friends with my guy friends, my brother, or one of my cousins, for example, and ask him to introduce you. Now that doesn't sound too bad, does it? I'm really a very nice person, but pretty soon my nice persona will probably turn against you and I'll probably break down, talk to you because I feel sorry for you, and then you'll never have a chance with me.

Also, there's this guy that I really, really like. So dude, seriously. While you have a chance. Maybe I'll like you better, who knows?

Sincerely,

That Chick You've Been Stalking

Elea Almazora, contributor to Females.Com.Mx

Elea Almazora currently works as a contributor to many information-based websites, writing about many subjects ranging from culture to sciences.

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