Existential Online Dating

Dread, boredom alienation, the absurd, freedom, commitment, responsibility, nothingness... terms synonymous with existentialism... and dating.

What is existentialism? Is it a simple theory about the bleakness of existence and the absurdity of the cosmos?

What is Dating? Does there have to be a plan? Does the man have to pay and open every door? Does there have to include an official invitation and specification that you are, in fact, on a date? Otherwise, aren't you just “hanging out”?

A proper definition is the first step to really understanding both existentialism and dating, and once we have that nailed down, we can begin to make some progress.

Sartre said: “If man, as the existentialist conceives him, is indefinable, it is because at first he is nothing. Only afterward will he be something, and he himself will have made what he will be.”

According to the existentialists, people create the meaning of their own lives – we define our own reality. We don't exist for any specific purpose. Existence precedes essence, meaning that first we exist and then we go out and start putting purpose to it. And because there's no purpose to the natural order, we have no choice but to make decisions based on what has meaning to us and not on what may or may not be considered rational. The universe, an existentialist might say, is indifferent, objective, ambiguous, and absurd. And because we try to add meaning to this meaningless universe, we start to develop fear and experience various levels of existential crisis and anxiety.

But it's not all dark, depressing and scary. After all, just because there isn't any clear meaning produced by the natural order, no one ever said we couldn't create our own. The meaning we create is a powerful way of displaying the freedom (and responsibility) we have as human beings. In fact, one might argue that we have a duty to fight to establish meaning.

Now let's consider the world of online dating. The Internet exists without inherent purpose. It's nothing but a lot of code and connections that come together with the potential for purpose. But it's up to human beings to establish meaning. Currently that meaning is leaning toward social networking, including online dating. But who knows when that meaning could change? In this chaotic online world, one imposed meaning could easily be switched for the next great idea to come along.

Is there any inherent purpose in online dating, or is the meaning something we create ourselves? Are we going to be subject to existential anxiety when we realize that the only meaning and order is the one we put on it?

Sartre also said that in order to try and suppress our feelings of dread and anxiety we confine ourselves within everyday experience, and thereby relinquish our freedom and acquiesce to being possessed in one form or another by “the look” of “the other”.

And what does that mean? In online dating terms it means that we fear the freedom this new form of dating can present a person. It means that by sticking with the mundane and hiding from freedom we can avoid the anxiety and the fear. We think that too many people might be looking at us and judging us, claiming we've made the wrong choice, that we have established the wrong meaning.

But we've already established the fact that the Internet has no meaning except what we invent for it. The original meaning of online dating was a refuge for the geeks and nerds of the world to meet the other geeks and nerds of the world. And since that meaning persists with “the others” and since they cling to their experience they can only give meaning to traditional dating. And due to refuge of conformity we will often confine ourself to the mundane traditions because they are safe and seem to alleviate at least a little of the fear and anxiety.

But let's face it, dating without anxiety and fear is no dating at all.

And, more importantly, if the existentialists are right, then no one else can put a meaning on something else for you. The only meaning or essence we have is created by our own actions and through our own experience and interpretation. Online dating can only be given meaning by you.

So, as you begin getting into online dating, there are a few underlying concepts of existentialism that we would do well to keep in mind. Remember that under existential theory every person has free will and life is a series of choices. Most of those choices will, of course, create stress. In fact, there are few choices that don't have negative consequences, but if we make a decision we must take responsibility for it and follow through with it. And, very important, some things are simply irrational, absurd, and defy explanation.

Now let's put the concept into context.

Everyone has a choice, and that choice can only be made based on your own experiences. No one can tell you what is the best for you. Only you can make that decision, and online dating site that presumes to do that for you might not be your best choice.

No choice is simple. Finding the right person is difficult at best and often flat out scary. But we keep making choices until we find who we think is the right person. And once we've made that commitment we have to follow through and accept all the good things and the bad that will inevitably follow. There will be stress, but that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Our choices will have some negative consequences, after all, anytime you pick one person, you're missing something another person might have offered. But we have to take responsibility for our decisions, despite the negative consequences. We have to fight to establish and maintain meaning and purpose in our relationships, even if it seems irrational, absurd, or simply defy explanation.

Andy Eliason is a writer for Main10. If you'd like to learn more about exorcising freedom in online dating, or creating meaning in a serious relationship, check out HeavenlyMatched.com.