7 Powerful Ways To Save Your Marriage Or Relationship

This article is not about the unpleasant side of marriage to help you realize that ending your marriage may not necessarily be the solution to your unhappiness. I hope you already know that. Instead, here are 8 powerful steps you can take to start saving your marriage, today. In fact, these steps get positive results in any love relationship.

1. Recognize that men and women really are different.

Men and women perceive emotion, communication, sex, fidelity, work and money based on what they were taught by society and family. They bring these ideas into the marriage and thus have their own list of expectations regarding what is tolerable and intolerable in a marriage, what they need to give their spouse and what to expect in return for that giving.

Writing the book, “For Better or For Worse”, Heatherington and Kelly illustrate this point more clearly when they mention the different ways men and women choose a partner:

“Women approach love as informed consumers…they kick the tires, look under the hood, run the motor, check the mileage. Women love, but being practical-minded, not enough to ignore potential defects. Good looks and romantic love matter to a woman, but in considering potential suitors, a woman also looks at the practical, such as a suitor’s economic prospects, emotional stability, trustworthiness, and what kind of father he will be.

Despite a reputation for practicality, males come off as hopeless romantics. They are much more prone to fall head-over-heels in love…and also more prone to idealize the object of their affection. If the bodywork is good and the decoration is pretty, often a man will buy on the spot, no questions asked.”

It takes practice to learn that gender differences do not constitute threats to a marriage, but a cause for celebration and an opportunity to expand an individual’s sphere of experience.

Try to remember that your partner is not your mirror image. In a loving, effective partnership, individuality and separateness are wholesome concepts that each spouse must work at.

Comedian Bill Cosby has a bit of wisdom to consider. Still married to the same woman, he said that these gender differences –
that women are not just men who can have babies and men are not just women who spike footballs – give marriage its vitality, its dynamics and its delights…He says, “Americans may like the style called unisex, but the wiser French have a devout appreciation of the wonder they call la difference.”

A true understanding of these gender differences should therefore lead us to the proper notion of a marriage. While many people view marriage as a fusion, making two separate individuals one, we must still keep our own personality and deal with our own problems ourselves.

2. Pay attention to and ignore the "small stuff"!

“Don’t sweat the small stuff” is probably one advice that does not always work for marriage, because it is important to notice the small stuff, if the marriage were to flourish, but, some small stuff needs to be ignored nonetheless.

Examples would be:

......avoiding bringing up the defective garage door while your husband is rushing to meet a deadline and needs to focus on his project for a few hours;

......attending to the kids and keeping them away from the kitchen while your wife prepares dinner;

......offering to pick up your husband’s shirts at the dry cleaner’s because he forgot to do it yesterday;

......filling up the car tank if you know that your husband has to drive out of town on a client visit;

......taking your wife dancing because she’s always loved to dance even if you have two left feet and have always hated it.

......stop calling your spouse at work to ask them to pick up bread or milk on the way home when you can do it.

3. Money makes the marriage-go-round!

One major irritant in a marriage is money.

Chances are spouses have their own ways of spending and saving money. If both husband and wife earn similar salaries, agree on how to split the house expenses prior to getting married so no one feels cheated or disadvantaged financially.

While it was fine to expect him to pay for dinner and the movie while you were dating, marriage calls for a genuine economic partnership. Or, if you know that your husband is particularly averse to useless shopping sprees, make an effort to reduce your
shopping trips and concentrate on the essentials instead of on your whims. Don’t forget to discuss your investment preferences and try to stick to a budget and a savings plan.

4. Political football can be bad for a marriage!

It's almost always bad to argue over politics (same goes for religion). Discussing politics or religion can turn ugly if the aim is to win the game over your opponent (your spouse). No one really wins. Both actually lose due to seething anger.

5. Give us a break, will ya kids!

Many people say that children put a damper on the marriage. Who has time for love and passion when the kids are screaming their lungs off or running a 105 degree fever? Or when money has to be scrounged for to pay for those expensive braces?

Raising children can turn us into impatient, stressed-out beings so if hiring a baby sitter overnight will not disrupt the monthly budget, do so and go away – just the two of you. But don’t use that time away from children to complain about each other’s habits or to raise past incidents! Make love, not war!

6. Complimenting and Praising.

Give credit where it’s due, be generous with compliments and be sincere in your praise. Do you sometimes find yourself wishing that your partner would compliment you the way your boss does after a job well done?

Many couples discover that as they settle into their marriage, the compliments or kind praises are not as frequent as when they were dating.

7. Be friends, first and last!

Friends are forever. Even if we move out of town or take up residence overseas, we maintain our friendships.

Since love is less permanent (we fall in and out of love a few times in our lifetime) and friendship more durable, every attempt must be made to make our spouse not only a lover and a partner, but also a friend. Friendship is evident manifestation of maturity.

Marriage is a responsibility larger than life, and can be a source of annoyance or profound joy. Only when we turn those annoyances and joys into building blocks for an enduring friendship can we say that we’ve taken the unwavering path to a marriage made in heaven.

Jim DeSantis is a retired Pastoral Counselor providing a free ebook to help save marriages. Get it free here - Save Your Marriage http://jim-desantis.blogspot.com No email or signup is required. It's an instant PDF download.