How to Move On In Life After Divorce or Separation

Thirty-two-year-old homemaker, Ritu Singh was utterly devastated when her marriage of 13 years went on the rocks. "When I separated from my husband, I felt as if my whole world has come to an end, and I didn't know how to move ahead in life." Delhi-based feature writer, Gita Shinde (name changed) has the same story to tell. Like Neetu and Gita, most people who separate from their spouses, go through a similar agony and trauma.

WHAT DIVORCEES GO THROUGH

As compared to the West, the divorce rate in India is still low. However, metropolises like Delhi and Mumbai, are registering divorce cases in abundance with each passing day. For some, divorce comes as a big relief, while some might find it an extremely painful expenence. A person undergoing separation suffers emotionally, faces financial challanges and faces problems like dejection, depression, panic, desertion and frustration.

Psychologists believe that if both the partners mutually agree to separate, then the level of depression might be low. But, trouble sneaks in when either of the partners is unwilling to separate. "Divorcees ate generally baffled mentally for the first few months after the separation. As time passes, most of them overcome it and move on," opines Dayal Mirchandani, counsellor at Behavioural Science Foundation. It seems that some divorcees have trouble in letting go of the relationship while some hold grudges and find it hard to forgive and forget.

HOW MEN/WOMEN DEAL WITH IT

It is seen that both men and women deal with divorce differently. Women tend to go deeper into depression and resort to isolation and frustration. Often, anger, bitterness and regret envelops men. When divorcees hold themselves responsible and start harbouring guilty feelings or consider themselves as failures and keep on living with their past, then, life becomes even more problematic and miserable.

HOW TO RECOVER FROM THE DIVORCE BLUES?

Mumbai-based psychiatrist, MD Patnaik believes that it is very important to overcome the past-relationship. Instead of locking up in the house, one should try to socialise, engage in constructive hobbies, as this helps in getting rid of negative feelings. "One should refrain from thoughts like 'I wish I had made my marriage work', 'why it went wrong?', etc. to move on in life," he adds.

HANDLE IT WITH DIGNITY

- Accept that your relationship is over and your life will be more peaceful.

- Do not compare your past and present life.

- Do not hold yourself or your former spouse responsible for the break-up.

- Talk about your feelings with one of your non-judgmental friends.

- Develop a positive mindset.

- Take the help of a professional counsellor if depression and frustration lingers for a very long time.

If you have decided to separate, then, it's important that you try to respect your decision. Having faith in the future will be a very determining factor in how well you deal with these post-divorce realities. Just up your chin and move ahead in life without carrying this baggage from past.

Michael Douglas is a well reputed divorce lawyer and a relationship expert. Get his advice on how to help your children cope up with your divorce and the secrets that guarantee you a successful divorce and the dissolution of marriage.