Staying Married

Some psychologists hold the opinion that a good and healthy marriage is based on the twin concepts of forgive and forget. In other words, it serves to have a short memory to maintain a marriage. Social psychologists agree stating that spouses should forget mistakes of each other. They should never remember past mistakes. They should forgive and move on.

A Healthy Marriage: A second school of social psychologists comprising of behaviour therapists and marriage counsellors disagrees. The school argues that forgiving is essential for maintaining the marriage but forgetting is not. A marriage should grow and mature with time. The couple should not overlook each other's mistakes and sweep them under the carpet. They shouldn't wait for the same mistake to happen again.

The concept of forgetting makes a spouse cocky and confident to commit the same mistakes again putting the marriage at risk. How many times is the spouse supposed to forgive the same mistake and move on? The first time the mistake is committed, the spouse does forgive. But when the same mistake is repeated, the spouse has to seriously consider the position of the spouse on the marriage. How seriously does the spouse take the marriage? Repeated forgetting can frustrate the spouse and drive the couple to the divorce court.

Short-term memory can prove to be dangerous in such cases. It is not healthy and mature to forget and give your partner the opportunity to commit the same mistake again. Forgetting merely repudiates the belief that the spouse will forgive because he or she does not remember the first offence. This can put the marriage at risk. The doer spouse is not true to the marriage. On the other hand, the forgiving spouse also promotes and lives in a world of fallacy.

Forgiving: The solution lies in getting to the crux of the issue. Mistakes do happen in a marriage and it is advisable to forgive and move on. But it is wise to forgive only after a two-way direct dialogue between the couple has taken place. The causes and consequences of the mistake have to be discussed. The doer has to realise the consequences and aftermath of the mistake. The partner has to forgive the repentant spouse and tuck away the mistake for future learning and guidance. The couple has to learn from the mistake and move on. Forgetting does not encourage learning and developing. It merely paves the way for the couple to fall into a vicious cycle of stunted growth. The couple is not able to grow and mature together as it keeps on making the same mistakes.

Marriage counsellors term this as the 'cycle of forgetting'. They give the example of infidelity. One of the partners commits infidelity. The other partner knows it. This partner simply forgets and forgives. This action and behaviour encourage the spouse to engage in an extra-marital relationship again. The partner again forgives and forgets. Again, the mistake is committed with the same result. What is happening here? A cycle of sameness is forming. The same mistake is being committed again and again. The doer is aware that the mistake is going to be forgiven and forgotten.

There is no remorse and learning. There is no guilt on the part of the doer. In extreme cases of abuse, this cycle simply pushes the forgiver into a corner. It gives the forgiver the ammunition to strike back with disastrous consequences. It is best to avoid such unhealthy circumstances of testing one's limits of endurance and patience. Forgetting is doing that. It is testing the limits of your endurance. How many times can you forget and forgive before seeking revenge?

The Solution: Marital counsellors argue that one has to look carefully at the causes of the mistake. Why did it happen? Who is to blame? Usually, ignoring and forgetting small mistakes gives one confidence to make a bigger mistake. A wife sees her spouse kissing another woman. She forgives and forgets it without confronting the spouse about it. This episode may seem minor but can have mammoth adverse effects. The wife may then see her husband indulging in physical romantic behaviour with another woman.

It is crucial for the wife not to forget and forgive but confront the spouse about it. Confrontation leads to a catharsis and the realisation that all is not right in the marriage. The couple has to learn that the marriage needs to be fixed. Professional intervention has to be sought. After all issues have been resolved, the spouse can forgive the partner for the mistake. There is a difference. The mistake has not been ignored and forgiven. It has been dealt with.

The doer realises that the marriage and spouse cannot be taken for granted. Respect and trust will increase and chances of staying in a healthy marriage also go up.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com