Maddy Strap

There was an interesting story in the papers the other day. At his 39th birthday celebration, Guy Ritchie was the lucky recipient of a Purple Penetrator. What, I hear you cry, is a Purple Penetrator and, to a lesser extent, who is Guy Ritchie? It is fair to say that more people know who Guy Ritchie is, he is of course the husband of Madonna, a one-time (one – hit) film maker who never really delivered on the promise of his early work. The Purple Penetrator, on the other hand, is a strap-on.

What is a strap-on? I hear all of the people who cried originally cry, and most of the lesser extent who cried about Guy Ritchie cry. A strap-on, to end the crying once and for all, is a harness that is worn around the waist. The interesting thing about this harness is what it holds in place. Although it can come in many forms, the thing a strap-on harness holds in place is a penis. Not a real penis of course, but a fake penis, in fact even that is a contentious description. To say a penis substitute could imply that the wearer of said strap-on wants a penis. This, of course, sometimes could not be further from the truth. What the harness holds is a, sometimes penis shaped, sometimes not, dildo. Dildo? Before the crying starts again is an object which is used for sexual stimulation, can be penis shaped but doesn’t have to be. Be it a rabbit or a regular vibrator, dildos one and all.

Now we are all up to speed on what a Purple Penetrator is, what a strap-on is, what a dildo is and who Guy Ritchie is we can return to the point of interest mentioned ages ago. Whether it is still of interest can be debated later, but to justify the point of this article above a sex toys for beginners leaflet or an incomprehensive (and utterly subjective) who’s who of British filmmakers, we will return to Guy Ritchie’s 39th birthday party. You may remember that he was given a Purple Penetrator by his loving wife, Madonna. Anyone who, by now, is unsure about any of the finer details should stop reading now, any crying at this stage will not be tolerated.

What elevates this story of somewhat inappropriate gift choices to a level of interest is that, at one time, Madonna was seen as the setter (or reader, depending on your opinion) of the female zeitgeist. She told girls to take a holiday, celebrate and that it would be so nice, even if you had used up all your allowance for that year. She made it cool to be a virgin, or to be like one at least, and admitted to being a material girl whilst it was still deemed coarse to show your motivations so honestly.
Whilst she is an elder states-woman of the pop world, well respected, and still capable of delivering the odd hit now and again, all of us men can breathe a collective sigh of relief that she is not as influential as she used to be. If this little event had happened say, five years ago, it is almost a certainty that sales of strap-ons would have rocketed. Impressionable material girls everywhere would have decided to follow her lead and ruin their partners birthday party by raising the question of, not just who wears the trousers but who has the goods to fill them…….phew! that’s one groove we don’t want to get into.

Glenn Wilde is the senior sales executive at Simply Pleasure, the 2nd biggest high street retailer of sex toys in the UK.