Dealing With An Angry Teenager

Emily, I'm engaged to a man who has been divorced for 5 years. Right now he has a son (15) and daughter (21), who still live at his house.

His daughter is currently creating problems for us. She's fighting against our upcoming marriage because she's retained the status of "lady of the house". I can tell she is feeling threatened by me, and is upset that I'll be moving into their home after our wedding.

She is territorial.... understandably so, but whines to her father about trivial things. For instance, during Christmas I "whipped" the potatoes, "she" mashed them. I'm nervous about moving in with them, with her being extremely territorial... and her being very threatened by me.

I need guidance! HELP!

"Nicole"

Emily Bouchard's Advice

Dear "Nicole",

The following are various ways you can support your step future daughter:

Be very clear that her apparent animosity about you has NOTHING to do with you.

Try not to take her comments personally, by telling yourself that it seems like it's for you however in reality it's about her own mother.

Never explain this to her � simply tell it to yourself.

Reflect back to her what she is trying to tell you to prove to her you understand and "get" her on how she feels. It's important when you are mirroring what she's saying to also mirror her energy around it. Don't be as calm as a summers morning while you tell her that you understand how angry she is; be powerful, intense and as noisy as she is with your statements � match her energy with yours.

Call for deeper exploration. Use phrases such as: "You really can't stand how I whip the potatoes? Tell me more about that!" or "You hate how I am here so frequently? What's that like for you?" At times merely remaining near her and repeating back what she says and then saying "tell me more" is the only thing you will be able to do in the midst of her rage � and it'll make a huge difference. When someone feels "gotten", they cannot help but to reveal their pain underneath. If she doesn't, then you're missing the mark � and you should try again.

As soon as you gain her trust by continuing this technique for some time, you may then begin to explore at deeper, more underlying feelings. The moment you figure out what she is feeling and you know that she honestly feels understood, then you can ask some more probing questions, such as: "when was the first time you ever felt this way?" or "have you ever been forced to defend your territory like this before?" � You will figure out how to word it once you genuinely understand the pain she has been and is feeling. Try to help her to determine where the real root of the problem is and don't bring up her mother before she does.

-Emily Bouchard

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Emily Bouchard is a loving stepmother to two young women who were teens when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Families newsletter. To read the rest of this article visit Angry Teens.