Memorial Tributes Offer Encouragement to the Grieving

As Americans watched memorial programs for Michael Jackson and Senator Ted Kennedy, they may have noticed that the families involved did not sit passively as the lives of their famous loved ones were paid tribute. There was laughter and joy mixed with the tears, and also valuable lessons for the rest of us when our not-so-famous loved ones pass.

That's the opinion of Jan Groft, author of As We Grieve: Discoveries of Grace in Sorrow from Graham House Books (www.aswegrieve.com), who believes there is hidden grace and peace enveloped between the tears shed in grieving those we have lost.

"When it comes to caring for loved ones in their final hours and grieving their loss, unexpected moments of reprieve often surface. If we embrace these moments, it can enhance our healing," she said. "In my research, I encountered many of these gift-like experiences that helped sustain people through grief. There was the man whose family mourned the death of his 16-year-old niece in a car accident and was surprised to find laughter as they recalled a family outing when she'd balanced a spoon on her nose. There was the woman who found strength to care for her dying husband alone, tethering herself to him as they slept, so he wouldn't get up and hurt himself. There was also the man who found the outpouring of love from his friends even more overwhelming to him than his mother's death. These are our present-day miracles, grace appearing at the bottom of sorrow. We may not always recognize them as such immediately when they occur, but with time, when we look at these experiences through that lens, they can inspire hope."

One event Groft found inspiring was the memorial for the late Senator Ted Kennedy televised shortly after his passing.

"Ted Kennedy's televised Life Celebration is a perfect illustration of this empowering kind of healing," Groft added. "Friends and colleagues and relatives stood to share memories of their interactions with the Senator. With their words, they brought him back to life and captured the essence of what this man had meant to them. The gratitude in Vicki Kennedy's eyes when she hugged well-wishers, the laughter among mourners re-living light-hearted stories of Kennedy's wit and tenacity, the attendees nodding in agreement with descriptions of the personality they'd cherished … all represent moments of peace, even brief ones, so important to the grieving process. The people gathered in that room certainly mourned a deep and true loss, yet the sense of community they shared was itself a comforting experience."

Groft also espouses the theory that survivors, as well as caregivers grieving an imminent loss may discover life lessons in grief that can offer solace.

"We often underestimate the value of our presence," she noted. "Our world is so full of doing that often we forget the treasure provided to others by just being. We do not have to fill every minute with chatting or feeding or propping the pillow; sometimes it is enough just to be. The loss of a loved one gives us the chance to look at life in a way that only those who are losing it can provide. This may influence us to re-evaluate priorities or how we allocate our time. It's a sharpened perspective that provides comfort, a newfound wisdom that can enrich the rest of our lives."

Rachel Friedman is a Staff Writer at News & Experts.