Brent Riggs - Dealing With Bad Family

A reader sent in this question: There is an angry and immature person who is part of my extended family. Not only is this person hateful and argumentative, he has spread dangerous lies about my family. Specifically, he says that my husband has done something inappropriate. There is no truth to this and the rest of the family knows it, but I'm wondering how to handle this situation, given that the holidays are quickly approaching and we have family events planned. To be honest, I don't want to be around him, nor do I want my family to be around him. Is that an unchristian attitude? Could you please give me some advice?

You have every right to decide who can be around your family in a private situation/event in your "domain" (i.e, your house, your events, etc).

Remember that you do not have the right to force your personal convictions regarding other family members on those outside of your home. You may choose not to attend an event at their house or at another place where that person will be in attendance, but you should refrain from telling others who they can or cannot invite.

In addition, you should not feel the need to inform the rest of the family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should explain in a non-gossipy, uncritical manner what the situation is. �We are not going to attend due to the situation between us and (the other family member).�

Because of the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, it is important that if you do attend the family function, do not let anyone in your family be alone with that person. Don't give credibility to the accusations. Without evidence or the collaboration of witnesses, it is just talk. Hurtful, but just talk.

Regarding your attitude, it would be unchristian for you to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, you should do what you can for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating and protecting your family.

Your marriage and kids come first as a Christian.

Go to Thanksgiving. Go to the holiday events. Act like everything is fine in the mindset of the public setting. If this family member makes an effort, then reciprocate, BUT BE CAREFUL and discerning. Often people use any sign of reconciliation as a ploy to start things up again.

Resist the urge to talk to other family members about the family member in question. There is no benefit to having everyone on �your side� or spreading the �news� of the bad behavior under the guise of seeming �concerned�. That is just gossip.

Immature and childish family members can be frustrating, but don't let them have any power over you. YOU decide about the interaction with your family on your turf. At gatherings away from your home, you will have to carefully manage the situation.

Don't force your other family members to try and side with you. The truth is plain enough. People can see... the troublemakers and liars in the family rarely have anyone fooled, except themselves. It is not fair for you to ask the other family members to abide by your convictions. Your only option is not to attend, or, hold a second event at your home and not invite them.

To boil it down, here is my advice � if you choose to allow the family member to come to your home, make sure it is with the understanding that there must be no fighting. No angry outbursts will be allowed. If that occurs, he will be asked to leave. Remember not to allow your immediate family to be alone with him. Attend the other family events, but inform the hostess that if the offender creates a scene, you will immediately leave the party.

G. Brent Riggs, author of "Life Without Debt", "Desperation Station" and SeriousFaith.com has over 20 years experience as an business owner, teacher, personal growth coach and mentor. You can contact him from his main website: http://www.gbrentriggs.com