Hearing What Is Said To You

Despite what we believe, right and wrong, good or bad, is generally a geographically limited, contemporary viewpoint which is no more significant than being simply accepted behavior at a particular time in a particular place. In other words, morality ethics, customs, laws and even the courtesy of good manners are things that vary geographically and from age to age. We may want to remember that when we hear opinions being expressed that seem strange or even ‘wrong' to us. They are simply different, and no doubt reflect the other person's time and place as much as ours do. Factors such as income levels, racial origin, birthplace and time of life are primary in the formation of belief and customs. We deserve and win respect if we show respect to another person whose words and actions speak of these differences.

Personal experience is just that - personal - and cannot realistically be assumed to be even similar to anyone else's - one man's ceiling is another woman's floor - and yet, most of us want to reach further, whatever that means to us. Of course this requires us to adopt new perspectives, to try out new things, which can be at first rather challenging and odd to say the least. In fact, very often we tend to shy away from the new as a reflex action of defense, and this negative unhelpful habit has to be addressed if we want to grow in a healthy way, free of fear and narrow-mindedness. Being open-minded shows itself in our willingness to take on new ideas, learn skills, to meet new people and avoid dogma and prejudice.

When someone is talking to us and we are inwardly resistant and tend to disagree, then on some level they can feel that. It can even reduce their ability clearly and confidently to express what they think and want to express - and could in fact considerably influence not only how they speak but also the content of what they say. The other side of this is when your listening is good, warm and encouraging, because this builds trust and harmony, which can be felt in the air between you. Their message then will reflect the goodwill we radiate, and it will be more positive and more likely to please us.

This is no small thing. If we want to make the world a better place, then we will all need to learn how to think and speak much more positively, and therefore learn to listen to others in such a way that their thoughts and words are more inclined to be positive. A tricky task! Simply disagreeing and correcting a person's negative expression is quite likely to reinforce it. Indeed, we want them to realize what they are doing, (and we may feel constrained and obliged to facilitate this awakening!) and yet surely we need to handle it gently.

Let us remember that the communication process is co-creative; the listener and speaker are doing it together. This is because the listener's attitude of attention affects the message in its content as well as the essence of the deeper meaning. It goes without saying that the speaker's words will touch the listener. Each is influencing the other and - meaningfully - each influencing the message itself. Let's think about this: it runs against the idea that an individual has totally responsibility (or indeed can take total credit) for what they say.

Perhaps a degree more humility is appropriate when we talk, our gems of wisdom are not actually ours at all; they are more honestly to be seen as shared with the one we are talking to. Also when listening we could take a little more responsibility for what is said to us, and perhaps more importantly, how it is said - with a tone that indicates respect, anger, contempt or sensitivity - because there are two people involved in the conversation.

There is of course another good reason to listen carefully, respectfully, warmly and open-mindedly to another person - there's a reasonable chance that they have something of importance for us to learn!

These ideas follow the 7 Words model - that all things are basically expressions of the seven fundamentals: No, Hello, Thanks, Bye, Please, Sorry, Yes. See if you can recognize them in the 7 stages above.

I hope that the description of this sevenfold method will be a source of new ideas and inspiration, even if you don't choose to

Free Questionnaires and Mini Courses are available on the 7 Words website, interactive fun with the "satisfaction index calculator" at 7 Words Associates